how are you?

update: i've applied for DAE under RP so... today (16/3) is the first day results will be released and the last will be 31st. (they make us log in to check online everyday for 2 weeks, yes) so today i checked and not out yet. =/

**
it's been a month since i last blogged and a month in that school i don't belong. now i am at home, not in that crappy school i didn't wanna go to in the first place. uniforms, boring context, discipline wtf teachers existing for wtf reasons like your damned socks and math lessons. they have never been my forte but i am still obliged to go? i don't know what the hell i'm doing to my life. i am wasting it away.

its actually my fault, i was too cocky for not choosing this other particular school. both my current school and the school i would rather go to are known to be equally bad but if i were to choose, i would rather be stuck in that other lousy school but doing something i would like to. maybe then i would be willing to do my work. i have a confession. now, i have 4 overdue works in term one which i would get no marks for because i don't give a shit and i totally catch no ball, with no intention to catch it anyway. so it further proves my point, i am losing it. i don't even care to interact with people cos' theres no point. we can't even talk. except for you, fathin =/ for all you know, people who i can talk to are in the arts stream. i am in boring boring boring and even more boring commerce stream. figures figures and more figures. how i wish i was talking bout human figures.

i have another secret.

but i will only reveal it after 4pm. its like i'm superstitious bout such things. i hope lady luck is with me this time round.

so i was talking to michelle a moment ago and she asked me if there were any blessing in disguise. all i can think of were the hot guys in school and some other jap guys who came to do exchange. like hot. thats all really. i'm miserable. i wanna end it now.

i'm sorry i had to rant the moment i started writing but i have no choice. i need to be honest with myself for once. it is not where i belong. i knew it. i thought i could try but it doesn't work for me. it is not who i am.

i tell you, my friend who initially had this school as her first choice withdrew faster than me. as she was leaving yesterday morning, she turned around and told me: 'christie, this school sucks ah, i withdraw already although no school yet. i don't wanna waste my time here already. good luck to us.'

then the first thought struck me. wtf am i fracking doing here in this shit hell of a hole?
on another note, i am so impressed by your courage my dear joanne. you have gotten everything, bought all the stuff but still decide to leave cos you know your stand and stuff. cool. i applaud you. i am envious and you truly understand how i felt thats why you trusted me with your withdrawal form. thanks for that. warms my heart really.

this is my confession really. thats all i'm hiding, i tried really. to stay awake in class (i never took any naps till now), i actively participated in class but with no motivation to do my work. i made new friends but they drifted cos they know my heart is not there. so its true. i don't know wtf i'm doing.

miss you dear, need you now.